Jason Statham 2010, accent expendable

For some time now I have perversely enjoyed the films of Jason Statham. They are perpetually so bad that they are sometimes good. So cheesy, so predictable and yet paradoxically watch-able. Sometimes. The real reason I enjoy some of his films is his accent. Coming from England like Mr. Statham I have been subject to American accents on TV and films all my life. Yet no-one has ever spoken like he does in his films, because, he cannot do the American accent.

Unless you are Hugh Grant and essentially play the same pathetic character in all of your films there comes a time when an aspiring or even established film star from the UK will be required to produce some kind of American accent, be that West coast, East coast or mid Western. Statham's accent is lost in the mid-Atlantic. It is literally so bad it is good.

For the life of me I do not know why Hollywood directors who cast him in so-called action films don't just get him to play an English character, they often get him to play an American. His accent is is convincing as Jean Claude Van Damme's 80's and 90's efforts though not as bad as Dick Van Dyke's or Keanu Reeves' British accents of times gone past. Often Statham's accent veers from a bad American effort to a Londoners voice but each scene is hardly ever the same as the previous one. To put it another way, he simply cannot talk in a straight line.

For my sins I downloaded his latest effort, The Expendables for a laugh this weekend and to kill some time. Expecting nothing but a bad accent I watched and was surprised to find that for the majority of the film he stayed in UK accent mode. Curses, but I guess even a stopped watch is right twice a day. Statham without 'the accent' is like a sandwich without bread. Anyway not surprisingly the film is rubbish and I've already forgotten the plot, so bad was it. May Statham's accent tribulations continue.

Nicholas Cage kicks Ass

Yesterday I found myself in the cinema watching a Nicholas Cage film - only the second one I have paid to see (the previous one being 1999's Bringing Out The Dead). Despite logic defying evidence I like him yet know he can be really terrible and though I've seen some appalling films on TV starring him I went in really expecting something good and thought Kick-Ass was fantastic. Cage is a staple of Korean film channels here and the last five or ten years have seen some stinkers from him but this was the best film I've seen so far this year.

Granted this is not a Nicholas Cage film but he is in it and he's one of the main characters. And he's actually very good playing the role of Big Daddy, though Hit Girl steals the show. The over acting is intended this time and his lines are quite funny. The Adam West style voice was spot on though I think I was the only one in the place who got it. I'm surprised the film wasn't banned because it's pretty violent, be it comic violence. Mind you Korea seems to like violence. Alas, back to National Treasure vehicle you go Mr.Cage.

Celebrating failure

Usually at around two or three AM most nights I scan the cable channels for anything of note before trying to get some sleep. Sometimes you strike gold, but most times you see incredibly bad Japanese films, Starship Troopers, The Mummy 2 and (literally as I type this right now) Resident Evil 2 or films of this 'calibre'. Last week I found another level, D-Tox, starring Sylvester Stallone.

Sparing you most of the plot details, our troubled hero (a cop) is having problems and is sent to a detox program with fellow police officers but someone is mysteriously killing off the good guys. Suffice to say the villain of the piece was unsurprisingly an Englishman. The acting was some of the worst I have ever come across (and I used to watch El Dorado and Prisoner Cell Block H) and this made it all the better because I have to confess that I am one of those people who can find bad films good.

I love watching great films, but of almost equal pleasure to me is watching a film so bad that it's awfulness can be enjoyed on another level. It's true, bad films CAN be good. Despite being an appalling film from start to finish, I will never pass up the chance to watch Jaws 4 if it's on TV, a film so bad that the shark actually screams like an elephant when harpooned by the boat at the end of the movie. Yes the shark was impaled by a boat then it exploded whilst from somewhere obtaining a set of rudimentary vocal chords. I also have The Swarm on DVD - Google the Swarm, or go to IMDB.com and check film quotes from that, then you're talking serious cinematic faux pas. There is glory in success and glory in beauty but there can also be glory in defeat and sometimes glory in failure.

Watching this film (D-Tox) - which I couldn't watch all the way through, it was THAT bad/good, got me wondering what's the worst film I ever seen. You can't just pick any old rubbish, straight to DVD piece of trash, you have to pick a film that has been cinematically distributed. Where hope, expectations and serious financial investment has been made. And off the top of my head, that film for me is Jason X a continuation of the dreadful Friday the 13th horror series but this time set in the future, in space.

I saw this on TV in Korean - I have seen it in English AND in Korean (it's better in Korean). The film manages to have possibly the worst cast I've witnessed allied with a nonsensical script, appalling dialogue (one made is killed on some corkscrew drill device and his dying words are "I've been screwed") complete with with cheap special effects and is also possibly the least scary horror film I've ever seen. I genuinely LOVE the horror genre even at it's worst but I've seen scarier situations waiting for the bus.

The best thing I can say about it is that I didn't pay to see it, or no-one I know is in it so there has been no shame brought onto my family name. Yet I have still watched it twice. Korean has brought me down to that level. For better or for worse